Terry-my momma

This Saturday morning my mother died. We found out she was terminal in September. They doctors thought she might have a year or two. It is February and she is gone.
The months have been a whirlwind for us all and a time of great change in our lives. For myself, it has left me feeling undefined, empty and emotionless. Numb. So numb. I hadn’t seen my mom for 16 years prior to this past September. Years of mental illness and drug addiction made her difficult at best to be around much less love. Life went on. I did my life. She did hers. Years went by in a blink until at 62 years old we find out she is dying. I was angry. Why should I give a shit? She wasn’t a mother to me ever? I felt tremendous pressure to be all these wonderful things that I was incapable if doing. I hated the first visits. I hated the awkwardness. I hated being invisible in the room. I hated touching her. In fairness, I think she felt the same. Years of no communication keeps past angers thriving. They just do. I kept going in spite of my feelings of detachment and in the end, I became attached. As I watched my mother in her final weeks, I forgave her. I felt love for my mother for the first time since I was perhaps a child. I watched her as she weakened. Holding her hand became natural and something I loved doing and she reciprocated. I loved to rock her and hold her and promise her she would be okay. I loved to rub her head softly and talk incessantly to her about nothing. I loved hearing her talk slowly back.
There was never some grand conversation where all past stuff was put on the table. There was no grand moment that I felt there should be from the movies. Rather? The entire process was a moment in and of itself and one that I am ever so glad that I participated in. Perhaps I drug my heels a bit. Perhaps I was a little slow to warm up. Perhaps I didn’t know exactly what to do at all times…..but ultimately just being there was all she needed…and all I needed.
I miss you momma. I am so sorry that in life we just never tried harder and that the years slipped away. I am just so sorry. However I am glad I was there at the end. No matter how hard it was and how hard the aftermath is? I am so glad I got our moments for they changed me and made me a better person. Soon the tears will stop and the pain will lessen and I will get to be that person…I promise momma, I will.